I Broke my Own Heart Loving You
by callmebaekkie
Summary: "The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly." — F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby A one-sided Harutora/Touji one-shot.


I no longer know how to breathe anymore. It's like everything I've strived to become has just been ripped away.

My name is Touji Ato. A monster. A beast. An ogre. A sin against humanity.

Or at least... so I thought.

Until a blond idiot saved my life.

Until that same blond moron convinced me that I'd be okay.

That I _am_ okay.

In return, I silently vowed to keep a smile on Harutora's face every chance that I got. Even if I had to sacrifice my own sanity as a price.

I don't know when it happened. But it did.

The day that _my_ blond dumbass confessed to a slender, brown haired girl with soft, chocolate brown eyes and a stern, yet gentle nature.

That just so happened to be the very exact day that my heart shattered into a million pieces.

It hurts, seeing his gorgeous amethyst eyes focused on only her.

It hurts watching myself become forgotten.

Although, I guess it was my own fault.

I cared too much about him that I even forgot about myself.

After all, it was me who kept trying to push Harutora into confessing to her.

It was me who had implanted thoughts of encouragement into his thick skull.

It was me who impatiently whispered in his ear just before class started, "She's standing right there, Bakatora."

All for the sake of his happiness.

I know him too well from the many years we spent together as best friends. I can tell everything about him just from the slightest shift in his expression.

When his eyebrows furrowed just slightly and his eyes started wandering the whole classroom, I could tell he was impatient.

When a gentle smile crept on his face when he looked at me, I could tell he was happy.

But now, it was slightly different.

It was more careful, more guarded, more wary.

And I found it slightly disturbing.

The day he got that mark... That accursed mark of the familiar that claimed _him_ as _hers,_ I knew that he had finally escaped from our little world of two and started building an entirely new world around himself.

It's hard keeping up this stupid charade.

I'm almost sick of it.

But I have to keep going. I need to. For him.

The ogre in me wants to hunt out that godawful girl and show her her place. But I can't.

That would bring him to tears and no tears should ever grace those eyes that are the most perfect shade of royal purple.

I feel as if my sanity is slowly flickering away. I'm slowly reverting back to the monster that I used to be. That I thought I had gotten under control-

Wait.

It was never me that had managed to tame the beast.

It was _him._

Sometimes, I try to stop thinking about him but all of my thoughts end up in this hazy spiral until it all becomes too clear for my liking.

Until every fiber of my being screams at me to look at his sunset yellow hair just _one last time._

How can they be so oblivious?

I'm sick and tired of people in the hallways whispering about how "Natsume-kun and Harutora-kun are such a cute couple!" as they walk side by side, their fingers intertwined and their eyes only on each other.

It's a surprise how fast my walls are crumbling away when my gaze lands on them. Happy, content, and at one with each other.

It's funny, because my own dorm walls are slowly starting to fall apart too. They've got so many scratches in the plaster from my rage that even I'm wondering how they're still standing.

I think the last push for me was when I happened to find them at the bottom of the stairwell, their lips locked together in a sweet kiss and Harutora's strong, deft fingers threading through her silky, dark hair.

I allowed my bag to slide off my shoulder as I bolted away from the scene, ignoring the fact that my fallen bag had made a loud 'thump' noise when it hit the floor, ignoring the startled yelp that Harutora had made when they suddenly broke apart and ignoring the fact that I could hear Harutora's heavy footsteps follow behind me as I race for the school's rooftop.

Maybe being alone won't be so bad after all.


End file.
